So a bear comes up to a rabbit in the woods and says "do you have trouble with shit getting stuck in your fur when you poop?"

The rabbit says "No"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

 

slight relevance: I keep shitting 5 mins after I eat

 

Don't worry bro, all you have to do is get one of these. Amazon prime in the next 3 mins before your next shit, yo.
I picked this tip up in the music business thread, truly a multipurpose tool.

 

When I graduated from high school… My deeply religious grandma came to me, gave me a big hug, said, “Anthony, I’m so proud of you. You’re my first grandchild to get to go to college. What can I do for you, what can I give you before you go to college?” And I said, “Honestly, Grandma, all I need from you is money.” Yeah, I know you guys have never been, but college is expensive. And my grandma said, “Okay, Anthony, I understand.”

Couple months go by. It’s the end of summer. I’m packing up my dad’s car, getting ready to go to school, and my grandma walks up. Says, “Anthony, here, before you leave, take this.” And she handed me a brand-new Bible. King James Version. And I said, “Thanks, Grandma, that’s exactly what we talked about.” I got in the car and I went off to school.

Couple of weeks go by, I’m hanging out in my dorm room, having a good time, when the phone rings. It’s my grandma. “Anthony, just calling to see how college is going.” “Grandma, college is the best. I’m having the time of my life. But to be honest, I’m starting to run low on money, and I could use a little bit, like we talked about.” She said, “Okay, well let me ask you this: Have you been reading your Bible?” And I said, “Totally, Grandma, I’m on chapter four.” She said, “Okay, Anthony, I guess I’ll talk to you later.” Hung up the phone.


Couple of months go by. Now I’m really starting to struggle financially. Might have to drop out of school, so I call my grandma in a panic. I say, “Please, it’s Anthony. I’m having the time of my life in college. But if I wanna graduate, and I do, I need you to send me some money like we talked about.” She said, “Anthony, let me ask you this: Have you been reading your Bible?” And I said, “Yes, Grandma! I wish it was longer!” And she said, “Okay, Anthony. I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

Finally, it’s the end of the school year. I’ve got straight A’s, but I’m dropping out of college, ’cause I have no more money left. And I’m furious, close to tears, cleaning out my dorm room, when the phone rings. It’s my grandma. “Anthony, I heard you’re dropping out of school today. How come?” And I said, “You know goddamn well how come, Grandma! ‘Cause you wouldn’t give me any money.” She said, “Anthony, let me ask you this: Did you read your Bible?” And I just hung up the phone.

I was so pissed off. Took everything out of that room. Last thing I took off the shelf, the last thing I took out of that room, was that Bible my grandma had given me. Took it off the shelf, held it in my hands, and for the first time, I actually opened it up. And on the very first page, in my grandmother’s handwriting, it said, “Fuck you.”

 

Can we now please talk about music.

 

This the anti music section, ain't nobody here got time for music.

 

Last edited: Apr 22, 2021