"How'd we end up like this
Living lives that we don't care about
Too busy fixing things on computer screens
While the grass grows green
Me, I'm screaming out"
~ Ben Rector (recording artist supremo/from the song, 'Beautiful')

Having an existential crisis - completely major - nothing to worry about of course...

So what is your process for the above?
I'm in a place of regret right now. I know the things I've done wrong and forgotten to pay proper attention to and don't want to forget the worst of it (in order to not be bogged down again the same way) nor be obsessed by it so that I can move on to the resetting part. It's all applies to my relationship with my wife, my music (and musical self), pretty much everything.

I would love to hear others share their 'processing/process' for the above and how they deal with the brokenness experienced when realizing how distracted and diverted you've allowed yourself to become (by not keeping the main thing the main thing) and what you're now doing to overcome that, giving yourself over to being a better you?

Your answers and ponderings would be the greatest gift to me right now. Thank you in advance everyone!

 

Last edited: Dec 8, 2022

I like lists. Figure out what matters most to you and how to achieve these things, set short term realistic goals progressing towards them. I make a list and I follow it. If you're unhappy, recognize what it is and accept it, then make changes to break those bad habits by repetition. I cross things off when completed to feel some kind of accomplishment. I try not to let the little things bother me and I try to enjoy the process as well as allow myself to celebrate milestones. Life is a balancing act. Let go of the past, relax, focus, work hard on your goals but also enjoy and celebrate your achievements. An easy one is to consciously do something nice for someone else everyday. However big or small, even just a smile or hello, you might be surprised by how good it feels doing so. Exercising is another, even just a 30 minute walk can do wonders for both mind and body. You get the idea.

 

What are benefits of regretting? Do such benefits exist? Could you name them?

Please, think about it. There is no benefits, no purpose in regretiing. You gain nothing by it. It's a sort of emotional and intellectual masturbation.

You could learn some lessons from your mistakes. But learning lessons isn't regretting.

If you understand it, you'll start moving forward.

May be you have to regret for now. It's a good way to clearly, fully understand why you are wrong. But when you'll understand it all will be done. No more regrets.

EDIT: Don't overestimate the necessity to remember. Trust yourself, trust your brain. You won't forget it. You'll recall it when it will be needed. You don't repeat yourself your e-mail adress all the time if you don't want to forget it.

 

Last edited: Dec 8, 2022

Therapy has helped me and a lot of loved ones I know in the past. It can be expensive but nowhere near the cost of not addressing the issue. Being introspective and understanding your situation for what it is, is only the FIRST step. Having someone to help mediate and walk you through this difficult moment may not seem like its necessary, but it is incredibly helpful and well worth it in my opinion.

 

Last edited: Dec 9, 2022

I want to add something.

1. Regrets may be fruitfull. But when our regrets are fruitfull and when they aren't?

Vicious circle.

When we repeat yourself same things we said yourself yesterday, one week ago, month ago etc. it's a vicious circle. If we are able to get from this something new for us our regrets are fruitful. May be it's worth to continue regretting. When we see a vicious circle we must stop this. Just by making a decision to stop it. It doesn't make sense anymore.

2. When we regret we usually think about wrong things we made. But what are right things? What they should be? If we know what is wrong we are able to understand (or to assume) what things are right. It's very important to decline wrong things (and thoughts of them) and to concentrate on right ones. We must start making right things. This is a main way from regretting. And this the main fruitful way from it.

Are things - which as we assume are right - really right? We are able to know it only from our future expirience. Real decisions are always risky

 

Last edited: Dec 9, 2022

Rituals!
Doing what is good for me on a regular basis!
Meditation, Sports, cooking fresh and healthy!

 

Thank you so much for your time and your thoughts. Greatly appreciated and I agree that maybe listing what is best to focus on would keep me moving forward better than I am. A preacher once said we gotta 'Keep the main thing the main thing' or something to that effect. That's what I need to determine in several areas of my life; what is the MAIN THING regards my emotional/psychological self, my shared self (wife and me), my dutiful self (what's on the to-do list that really matters) and my artistic self (what's my core competency - am I living in that or distracted?).

Working toward better days. Thank you for your thoughts. May your live and the lives of those you love be blessed.
Martin

 

You know, it's true. Everyone will mock 'organized religion' until they have this moment of realization that EVERY life is religious and it all depends on whether your rituals are good for you (and others) or bad. When a faith group attempts to organize, mistakes are made, but overall, the point is to - with their best efforts and best hopes in mind - create a health environment that allows a combination of conformity AND freedom.

As human beings, we require both - conformity and freedom. So yeah, 'rituals' are good. As I said to one fellow just now, lists are good to help us keep 'the main things the main things' or something to that effect. Keep our religion in balance.

Thank you for your time and thoughts - really appreciate them. Blessings on you and yours!
Martin

 

Someone posted me privately and said to see the regrets as mistakes but with a view to ascending above them as one who learns what NOT to do going forward. I know what's right only when I focus on the things that make me right ... go outside of the blind, routine self and see what is missing from the core of my being. Like wheel, every energy fans out by way of centrifugal from the centre. If the hub of a wheel gets a bit of paint thrown on it and if the pain is fluid enough, it will flow to the spokes and eventually cover the whole wheel in paint. Were I to try and get paint on a wheel by using a standard paint brush and try to paint the wheel from the outside, my efforts to really make a dent on the look of the wheel are going to fail.

This is what I'm seeing now. Finally. It's like where Christ criticizes the Pharisees - calls them 'blind' because they can't see that working their lives from the outside in is stupid (Matthew 23:26). That's what's going on with me. I can work with old tools (because I am an old tool!) but I just have to work at a different starting point for any impact to right my ship.

Thanks for your time,
Best to you and Blessings on you and your family,
Martin

 

Just talked with a neighbour who's a vet from their time in the military. He sees someone 2x a week and seems far more balanced than I do. Will be seeking someone - I feel pretty soon too. Right time. I am a chronic pain sufferer and it can really get to me so you're right ... time for a different perspective for sure. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

May you have a wonderful rest of the year and an even better one. Hope you find your 'main thing' and learn to make the main thing the main thing in order to enjoy the fruits of your labours, whatever they be.

Take care,
Martin

 

Hi there. Thank you greatly for your time and your thoughts. Working now and pretty much everything you were suggesting above. See further comments to other board-buds here below for other thoughts that imply that I'm finally seeing what it is I have needed to see for a while.

Best to you and yours this year and the next!
God bless,
Martin

 

I did a therapy a decade ago that helped me very much. It lasted a month and basically, the therapist gave me written questions to answer on paper, like describe yourself at 20, 15, 10, your parents, friends, your love relationships and so on. And not just a line or two, but made me write 4 or 5 pages at least. She wanted to know every possible detail and passages of my (ones) life.

I spent two whole days with her (when she collected the papers and gave new questions and therapy) and three days at home doing the writing. There were so many questions and so much to write that I had to start in the morning and stop at night. And this went on for the whole month. No time for friends, parents, phone calls or weekends.

In the end of the month, I had practically written a book - of my life. She took a picture when I started the therapy and another when I finished. They were two different people... When I came back to my regular life, all my friends, literally, asked me what had happened to me! I used to look in the mirror and couldn't believe how handsome and clean I looked. It is without a doubt, one of the most important thing I've ever done in my life.

There's a book by Julia Cameron called "The way of the Artist" which has a similar technique. It is called the morning pages. You have to write two pages every single day, no matter what, non negotiable, every morning. Then you go somewhere at the weekend and read what you've written.

The goal is clear - to put problems, anxieties... whatever, out of your mind, without any criticism, shape or form and transfer them to paper. The writing is very important just as the reading at the weekend. I know a few people who does the morning pages for years...

It is basically - a Diary (who knew...)!!! And this can be applied to anything, not just writing. Beeple is one example of this...

https://duckduckgo.com/?q=beeple&t=ffab&iax=images&ia=images

And like a wise man once said...

Lose, and keep losing, until there is nothing else to lose
When there is nothing else to lose
Things will happen, naturally
Lao Tse

Good luck, my friend!

 

Last edited: Dec 16, 2022