Introducing AVID, Protools 13 I Just like Tape

davea · Jun 7, 2016

Announcing your next Mandatory Upgrade - Protools 13 | Just Like Tape™

We at Avid have always made the rules. With the surprising resurrection of Analog Recording, Avid is suddenly changing the rules again. Reinventing the present to be more like the past. A past where professional recording was something you had to really save up for.

Why?

Because we say so.

So we, your friends at Avid, are proud to announce the Future. Which is just like the past.

Avid Just Like Tape™.

What's new in Just Like Tape™?

Start and end with 24 channels of authentic Analog Sound with literally all the hardware features of a large format 24 track recorder. You'll spare no expense accessing all of the glorious features of the Golden Age of Recording. Just Like Tape™ is perfect for your virtual analog desk. Just Like Tape™ is as ready for the future now as it was 40 years ago.

Take a look at the exclusive features of the Avid Just Like Tape™ system -

A virtual 24 track recorder with all the features and physical characteristics of the classic machines, featuring a hard 24 track recording limit with destructive analog recording - featuring Avid No Undo™. And, in keeping with their hardware forbearers, these features cannot be disabled.

Recording is enabled by starting a subscription to the Avid Two Inch Virtual Reels™ Service. Pricing starts at $345usd for 32 minutes of 15 ips recording or 16 minutes of 30 ips recording, just like the equivalent 2 inch tape fom real-world manufacturers. (Recording longer than the given reel length will require purchasing more Avid Two Inch Virtual Reels™ and splicing completed mixes together after the fact.)

The exclusive Avid Rand-Align™ feature performs a nightly 5% record / playback level / bias / EQ randomization routine to all of the 96 submodules in the virtual electronics rack, further pushing the authentic "analog vibe" by nudging every track slightly off-spec at 4:00 am. This feature cannot be disabled. You may attempt to realign manually at any time with an Avid Pro-Test Tape™ ($19.99usd per use). To realign daily and automatically, please subscribe to the -

Avid Staff Technician™ upgrade ($285usd per month, which requires Avid Pro-Test Tape™ and Virtual Excelite r3323™ $3.98usd). This upgrade realigns your machine fairly close to almost nearly factory spec. Please allow 30 minutes before recording to allow the alignment plugin to run, as it cannot be interrupted.

During overdubbing, previously recorded tracks will run through the Avid Virtual Sync Head™ with a midrange bandpass equalizer to simulate the unique sound of a real record/sync head. Please note that you cannot copy / bounce to adjacent tracks without engaging the Avid Adjacent Track Bounce Squeal™.

And Just Like Tape™ audio tracks will add varying degrees of permanent Avid Virtual Printhrough Pre-and-Post-Echo™ within one week. Avid Whole Lotta Crosstalk™ will also appear on adjacent tracks during recording. For realism and your convenience, this feature cannot be disabled.

For your further convenience, the featured Avid Machine Startup Clunk™ and the incredibly realistic Avid Power Supply Fan Pink Noise™, cannot be disabled without a virtual lease of an Avid Virtual Machine Isolation Room™($49.95 per month, automatically renewing, damage deposit required).

When cursoring back to the front of your selection, the exclusive Avid Real Rewind™ feature plays your entire song in proportional high-speed reverse for 10 seconds until the start point (+/- three seconds) is reached and your jumps to somewhere near the start of the song, you hope. This feature cannot be disabled.

Avid Virtual Spares™ - To complete the enhanced Just Like Tape™ experience, a single virtual module (either record, repro, bias, or EQ) will be permanently broken at random times with the Avid Virtual Failure™ feature, either daily, weekly or monthly, but most likely during critical drum or vocal tracking. Like its analog counterpart, this feature cannot be disabled. Virtually Dead™ Modules may be swapped with Virtually Working™ modules within the plugin, but to bring all channels back online, a Virtual Spares™ subscription pack ($300usd per month) pack must be purchased. The Virtual Spares™ subscription provides one each of all four of the modules for a single channel to replace those in the software which which may or may not have failed. Unused spares expire in 60 days and may not be used on separate tracks. As an alternative to a subscription, a single Avid Virtual Spares That I Found On Ebay™pack may be purchased from Avid for $150 on a one-time basis, but they very likely won't work with your version at all, you cheapskate.

Avid Virtual Spares™ requires Avid Staff Technician™ for installation.

Please note - backing up your session to another hard drive is not possible without purchasing a second set of Avid Two Inch Virtual Reels™ to back up to. Additional cumulative and authentic tape playback artifacts will be included in the copy unless the Avid Dolby Noise Reduction™ (19.95usd per backup or restore) is purchased.

Avid Virtual Tape Shedding Dust™ can be cleaned up (but not avoided) with the Avid Rubbing Alcohol and Q-Tip™subscription (14.99usd per month, with one year autorenew).

The Avid Virtual Tape Splicing Kit™ upgrade ($99.00usd for a virtual box of 100 splices, introductory rate) allows you to do "Old School" edits across all 24 tracks at once.

Avid Virtual Scent Packets™ of 456, 226 and 468 formulations are also available in handy USB dispersers.

Upcoming features in Just Like Tape™ 13.1 will include Avid Head Relapping™ (mandatory 3 year paid update) Avid Azimuth Drift™, Avid Capstan Chatter™, Avid Re-Capping™, Avid Light Bulb Replacement Subscription™ and Avid Random Recording Dropout Prevention™ (per-session subscription). The Avid Wow and Flutter™ and the Avid Rewind Overshoot and Unspool™ are currently in beta.

The free Avid Virtual Intern (Full Sail version)™ plugin will be released in q3 2016 as soon as the mute function is fully integrated.

Please note that in order to create a two-track mixdown of your session you need to purchase the Avid Just Like Stereo Mixdown package ™ and install it on a second Just Like Tape Certified™ computer. This separate package utilizes every feature of Just Like Tape™ technology and is priced similarly.

For your convenience, all Avid Pro Tools systems globally will automatically and permanently upgrade to the Just Like Tape™ software at midnight April 1, 2016. As we say, once you hear Just Like Tape™ in your studio, you knowyou'll never be able to go back.

System Requirements -

The previous OS you no longer have access to.
A slightly faster computer than you own.
Different memory. Not more memory, just different memory.
None of your plugins will work, so just forget about that.
An "always on" internet connection with Netflix that we can access.

Installation requires iLok 4 (currently on backorder, not included) and the return of any and all currently working Avid hardware, software, manuals, disks and any spare change you find in your studio couch.

Copyright 2016
It's a parody, you idiots.™

All copyrights and trademarks belong to everyone who copyrighted and trademarked them, obviously.
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mild pump milk · Jun 7, 2016

Какая-то хуета чесслово...
Such a real shitload of bullshit indeed...funny. Very.

Last edited: Jun 7, 2016

Tarkus · Jun 7, 2016

That was really funny..

filtersweep · Jun 8, 2016

very fine ..

studio5599 · Jun 8, 2016

Davea ! are you feeling ok? to much time on your hands

davea · Jun 8, 2016

"These men, who had time on their hands, discovered the
joys of salmon fishing."

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