Let's hear some jokes!

 

Last edited: Nov 30, 2021

ok... a guy walks into a bar...

 

By Al Pacino:
Skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop

 

Ok

 

A polar bear walks into a bar with a penguin under one arm and a piece of bread under the other....

I'll come back in one year for the punchline

 

Three musicians are walking past a pub...

 

In dutch
Hoe noem je een nederlander met een glazen oog?
Stront aan de knikker!

English

What do you call a Dutchman with a glass eye? Shit on the marble!

 

I was about to kill a spider and my wife pleaded with me: "just take him out....take him out"

This I did and after a couple of beers, turned out we have a lot in common. He's a web designer.


I'll get my coat.

 

One fine Spring morning the teacher asked his 7th grade biology class which part of the human anatomy enlarges by a factor of ten when it is stimulated. Young Karen looked angrily at the teacher and said how could you ask such a crude question, but the teacher just ignored her. The teacher then repeated the question and Karen stood up from her chair and threatened to tell her mother who was the president of the school board and that he would be fired on the spot on the grounds of child abuse and pedophilia, but the teacher told Karen to sit down, keep her her mouth shut and to let someone else answer the question. Karen sat down hard with a thump on her chair and exhaled loudly and long.Timmy slowly raised his hand and correctly answered, " The iris of the eye enlarges by a factor of ten when stimulated". The teacher said, "Thank you Tim!".

After class Timmy walked over to Karen and sterny said, "First of all Karen, you have a very dirty mind, secondly, you gave it away that you obviously haven't done your homework and read the required chapters, and thirdly, you are going to be very disappointed when you finally have sex with a guy.

 

How do you stimulate in iris?

 

I think my joke would get me banned, not sure...

 

D'you think I could interest you In a pair of zircon-encrusted tweezers?

Wait a minute, lemme sterilize 'em.... Gimme your lighter.

Kiss my aura . . . Dora... it's real angora...

I poked 'n stroked till my wrist got numb, an' you know I heard some Dinah-Moe Humm....

 

i have a couple of jokes.... but i would be banned i guess

 

I got a chuckle out of this one but damn does it cut deep

 

...one day Norm decides to draw a fly on the teacher's desk, the teacher sees the fly and tries to kill it only she broke her wrist; " Who did this drawing kids?!! " ask the teacher, the kids knock out Norm indicating him as responsible for the fact "Hey Norm! tomorrow I want to see your dad face to face and speak to him about this, are we clear?" Next day his Norm's dad is in front of the teacher listening to her; after all the 'blah blah blah' he responded tying to calm her down "Don't worry ma'am this is nothing, he draw me a va***a on the wall the other day, and I broke my d**k on it, he's very talented isn't he?"

 

A bloody man is brought into an mobile emergency room after a natural disaster. The triage doctor takes one look at him and tells the nurse that he's lost too much blood and without the blood testing equipment up and running they'll never figure out which type to give him in time to save him. So he orders up a big shot of morphine and tells the nurse to put him off to the side to fade away.

As the nurse is going to get the needle and drugs ready the man holds up his hand and with as much force as is left in his body he says to the doctor, "Be positive!"

The young doctor smiles at him as he starts to walk away and says, "thanks for understanding, we are doing all we can here. It's nice to have someone to cheer us on regardless."

 

When exposed to light the iris dilates about 10x larger in size than when the pupil is wide open in the absence of light.

 

Last edited: Oct 4, 2023