Hi Evorax,

I can relate to you in many ways. There was a time when I thought of hiring someone to "take care" of my father. I also felt this way about my older brother. It is a horrible thing to feel. I am originally from South America, and now I live in Australia. It took me 11 years to go back to my home land to visit family and friends. Since I went with my wife and kid, my family, including my father and brother, behaved incredibly well. Even though they will never admit how much they fucked me up in my youth, at least we have a somewhat civil relationship now. I think the distance and the amount of time apart helped a lot. If you could, try moving away for a while. And please believe me, that if you had your own child, you would not do what was done to you. I certainly didn't. I now have 3 daughters and as far as I know, according to them, I'm a great dad.

All the best.

The Demon

 

Thanks alot Demon that's also a good advice too. I can't believe you also had your own brother doing the same things as your dad with you

 

Dear Evorax,
I can only imagine how you must have felt living like that. Your posts made me think about the progress of humanity... Fathers like yours were often found in families during the 1940s-1950s. It truly comes as a shock to hear your story in 2014.
What happened to you is horrible. You need to know though that you mustn't let the past control you, otherwise it'll haunt you forever. As suggested by The Demon, you may consider moving away. A friend of mine did it and starting with a clean slate really helped him. I hope you'll find some peace eventually

 

I really appreciate your thought my friend!

 

Hi Evorax,

well, you're not the only one hating his father. I exactly understand, how depressing it is to hear happy people anywhere talking greatful about their parents. My father manipulated and abused me for a long time. My mother is ever since I can remember a drug addict. I dont blame her, i am feeling compassion for her.

I cancelled any contact to my parents and today I am in medical treatment to work on all that what happened. I would suggest to do that also and best for me was to choose not a male doctor.

Today I have a lovely wife since many years. And my sister and me know the truth about our "family", during my father is playing the rational, perfect man without mistakes around the wider "family".

Shall they all do.. I dont care anymore. Finally, I am fine!

 

I'm glad to hear about your experiences. Thanks!

 

Right on... kids need boundaries...but those need to be applied with their welfare in mind.. rather than something punitive to enhance an adult's feelings of dominance and power.... Kids understand the difference between someone expecting them to do things the "right" way...and being loved and rewarded for it.. and,

being raged at, punished, and abused... only makes a kid feel.. well, the way you feel towards your father....

So.. you know how to treat them... just need to come to terms with releasing the anguish from your own abusive situation, and finding a counselor, psychologist who can help you understand your own relational dynamics.. so that when you want to commit /settle down... you can overcome the emotional damage that has complicated relationships with your partners... it's hard to trust someone..when your
own closest relations... your parents.. make a pointed habit of violating and destroying that trust


I had a mother with borderline personality disorder... and can totally relate to just about all you are saying.. I could go on for as long as you did about it too !! ha ha .... *yes*

 

father... high ranking military officer, treasured expert in the field of communication engineering...
field-idiotic tunnel vision, perfectionism, unable to translate, to transfer, his version of ideals into the family life (if there could be any besides the perpetual belittling evaluativeness)...
bitterness, urge to kill all the creative impulses the small child can muster, verbal, physical, abusiveness, prescription drugs plus alcoholism, kills himself, child at age eleven finds him, grandma calls ambulance, state security arrives before ambulance, child, really half heartedly, totally unenthusiastically, tries to keep father alive, no succes (stroke of fortune, actually)... *yes*

son is here... *yes*

evorax, please, please, search for possible holistic solutions, seek professional help...

 

Damn! That's alot of truth you speak there , thank you for you kind words my friend , i'm really glad to see so much peaople understanding me...

Wow! That's really a serious case right there. I wasn't expected on such dramatic situation you had, but... at least i'm glad i'm not alone..
Thank you very much for your thoughts! Take care!

 

I can't relate to my father because in the end when the cancer had swallowed him whole I realized that I never really took the time to get to know him but he was the greatest person I ever met. I was a difficult kid and I always thought I would get situated in life and there would always be time. Like anyone would be likely to do he didn't always handle things in the best way, I mean nobody gives you an instruction manual when you have children but he was always there for me and my family. He loved my mother for his whole life, worked hard to support us, was the most charismatic person I ever knew and when I think of him walking up the street and seeing me...he always had a smile. He was also one of the funniest people I've ever met and he made me laugh to no end. Not only that but he was very good looking so some of that passed on to me. It was difficult in the end when the cancer hit his brain and he was unable to feed himself anymore. He used to twitch and have violent spasms because it had already eaten through that area disrupting even such basic functions like movement and comprehension. He died soon after diagnosis but it left a dark cloud over my already difficult life. Death changes you in a very visceral way...violent changes. I've found that with some experiences in life they stain the very core of your being and then you spend the rest of it trying to find a place to get clean. Oh and did I mention that during his death I got dumped by the women I wanted to marry? My "angel". There are no angels and if you think there's only one woman out there for you, you're crazy. I'm here to tell you one thing: none of that really matters. Your past doesn't dictate who you are now and it's a perfect day to light a match and watch it burn. So I've chosen a video for you and included the lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBZzx4QncDc
I was trying to know your value
I learned it wasn't in your worth

All the times you led me on – never was a father, too much of a bother
All the times that you were gone – gesture without motion, met with no emotion
All the times you led me on – always were a martyr, armor in a bottle
All the times that you were gone – absent of devotion, dedication broken

It wasn't your word
That you brought me
It wasn't your death
What you taught me
It wasn't your faith
'cause you lost me
It wasn't your life
That's worth nothing
That's worth nothing

I was trying to understand
I learned you're not a man

If you see my sons, give them a dollar
Turn them away, let them fall farther
And oh my father, who aren't in heaven
I shall forsake your name​

I am going to go against the whole counselor idea. I'm sure they help some people but in my life they have caused way more problems than anything else and most of them annoy the living shit out of me (no disrespect to any counselors that visit here). I'll give you a far better solution so you won't have to rely on some genius that only listens to you because he/she is paid handsomely for it and pretends like he/she knows what you're about: Channel that anger, that hate, that frustration into your music and you will find the catharsis you seek. Then go out and do a few things that bring you joy and celebrate. Rinse and repeat.

PS please don't go out and actually burn anything...I don't want that on my conscience. Thanks.

And always remember you can't trip on what's behind you. *no*

 

best solution ever...

was really fortunate, former girlfriend, knew about father, me, became clinical psychologist, helped, later, greatly... *yes*

all the best for all of us...

 

Thanks alot Catalyst , i wasn't expected even for your answer and i really feel bad for what you had to go through in your life...

I must admit the last part made me laugh and lifted my mood somehow which makes me really grateful!

Well... about my ex lover... i'm not that pissed off because i lost her and because she wasn't the only girl in "my" world as i wanted... but the way i had to lose her... Because she actually was the only person who even gave up her money for daily highschool food just to save it for me and support me so i can be able to form my passport, because she was from the neighbour country and it was difficult for me to meet with her, she even paid my ticket and all the costs for a camp holiday where alot of "premium" students went for a week, even buying me clothes there... (she was the smartest girl from her class and believe me that she wasn't a swot/geek) and she also wasn't ashamed with my position of her boyfriend in the sight of her mates due to my unspectacularity... i know there's alot of bad girls out there... but this one treated me so special than even my mother never did... and i don't say it in overrating way... i try to be as honest as i can and this girl really changed my life completely then... but I... because of my war with my father... made me hurt her so bad... she even tried to fight my own bad and stupid will, she tried from all her heart to open my eyes in a way of teaching me how to channel all my hate for my father and... surprisingly, she never supported my hate againt my father like "yea, you do great by hating him, he's a bad person and he deserves only hate" NO! She always
tried to make me placate and make me do peace with my father and i guess this is what actually drove me crazy in a way to make me hurt her and leave her...
I was so blinded by my hate that i almost saw her as a enemy too. It wasn't like she supported my father... she actually wanted us to make peace for my own serenity, rest and sake because she always saw the fatigue on my face.. but she turned into my victim ... I didn't just purely left her, but i also offended her with ugly words and lying her (but i never cheated on her) just to make sure she will never come back... I usually don't offend a girl or to make her feel bad, but i did it with the purpose to make her never come back..
But... When i woke up too late... I was even more angry on my father... considering that if he wouldn't ever existed then i woulnd't had to be in a war and she wouldn't have turned into my victim, living happy together... I feel like i killed her, because she changed drastically after all the pain i comited to her and she focused herself on her college, leaving behind that girl that i always knew, full of joy and kindness. I feel like i transmitted some of my hate on her too, poisoning her soul and stealing that unique joy and benignity that she had... That's why i live with a feeling of a criminal... like i killed somebody... even if i never did it literally.

Well.. you're right... i can put all these emotions into my music and use it in my advantage instead of increasing my own suffering with it.

Thanks alot my friend!

 

not all pro counselors..are some affected arrogant know it alls either...

you are CLEARLY recycling the abuse your father heaped on you..and destroying your own relationships..
a pro psychologist can also give you some tools..and reinforcement..so that you do not continue to recycle all the bad
to more bad.... and poison... yeah you can channel all the rage and bad into your music....but sometimes
you can also end up like Kurt Nobrain... I mean Cocaine.. I mean... Ko-bain.... anyway I think you get the point..


i wish i could meet a girl like that just ONCE in life...she was a keeper... and you trashed it man...

good luck with yourself.. you had a hard road...don't make the rest of it even harder...

I'm struggling with this too... poison begets poison..hate begets hate... we need to break this somehow !

 

Thanks alot for your thoughts man... I really appreciate your time for sharing some of your personal events and you're right when you say "As many famous philosophers, psychiatrists 'et al' have postulated we often pass on our own emotional shortcomings to our children even indeed if we endeavour to do the opposite. " that's why i don't trust my own blood and that's why i'm affraid to ever have a natural baby... I'd rather love to adopt one with the love of a real father (so he would never miss one) and i'd make sure that way my filthy blood won't make other child victims...
Yes, forgiveness might possibly be the most powerful forces we posses, but what i lack actually is to forgive myself first and then the others... I'm somehow locked in the theory that if i wouldn't been having a father like him, all the worst situations wouldn't exist, including my auto-blaming.

That's right, i'm conscious of all the bad things i did... I felt like in the process of fighting back against my father i actually acquired from this fight only venom and malice getting blind and hurting people whose i swore even to give my life for... but i failed my own being...
Now i have to resign myself and accept the reality according my past and to strive to be a better man in the future... There's no other choice... maybe if i could build a time machine... which is impossible so... i have to go on and improve the one that i am now, instead of gettin' worse.

 

I know exactly what you mean ´cause i experienced it myself.
You´re not alone.
Thinking of a track that starts with all that crap (pain) and ends with forgiveness. (should be enough change-tension for an awesome track)!
Probably a collab on the next audioz-album?

 

If i qualify , then why not Thanks for your thouths though.

 

Thanks for sharing. I would say this: the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. As long as you have that hate and resentment inside of you, it will eat you up and destroy you.
It's very hard to get to that point where you just don't feel indifferent about him but you should strive for that. I think talk therapy would be good for you, it will help you in that process. You can't live your life with constant resentment like this and there's no shame in seeking professional help.

 

That's right my friend. I really appreciate your words.
I will try to train to isolate myself from all that accumulated hate and to try to be indifferent instead of taking all that pain upon me just because
i give room for hate in my heart. I guess i'm the only one who can fix something relating my pain. Thanks!

 

Hi Evorax,
it´s been a while - hate me or love me - i´ve to tell you something.

More than just restored
While growing up i heard a lot about religion while experiencing a lot - but more hate, damage and evil than love.
A lot of people where crossing my way telling me all this religious bullshit while having hearts like ice.

I ran (literally) away. I wanted to be as far away as possible from what my parents and all the other hypocrates called god. But somehow i was pretty sure, that i´ve no chance to be fully restored without forgiving them.
Mission impossible - yes. But not for Christ. Do i have to attend on some brainwash ceremonies to believe - of course not!

I TELL YOU I WASN´T QUITE SURE IF THIS WILL WORK OUT BUT IT HAPPENED THAT I PRAYED: LORD, IN THE NAME OF JESUS-CHRIST, I´LL FORGIVE THEM.
HE DID IT! (they forgave me the shit i did too!)

I wasn´t at my parents house for years but this christmas i just went there surprising them.
JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY,JOY

It´s not religion, it´s grace that fills your heart with love.