I realize these are a lot of songs, I'm not wanting feedback. I don't really even care if anyone listens to them, it's probably best they don't. none are mixed well, none have singing to the level i know i could do, none of them are my vision yet. hence the work in progress. i put them on zippy share so they disappear in 30 days. it's fitting.

(C)POOR MANS ELLIOT SMITH.wav
(C)POOR MANSS ELLIOT SMITH.wav
(DOE)dancething.wav
(DOE)dancethingwasgonnabe1stsonginEP.wav
(DOE)was gonna sing on this, do a murray head type thing in the break.wav
(DOE)wasgonnagoindanceEP,batman-also i'm hella scarred so.wav
(MRP)ONEMANGRUNGEBAND.wav
(NDE)2nd song in my emo poroject, bronksi beat.mp3
(NDE)needstoberesungofcourseandeverything.mp3
(NDE)proudoftheweirdnoiseimadeusingsoftubemodular.wav
(NDE)wellTECHNICALLYdancebutlikeawaltz,foremoproject.wav


edit- hey sorry guys. i wrote out a long stupid sob story that doesn't matter one fucking bit to a music forum and thats not why people are here. that's my bad, i'm erasing it. things are fine with me. everyone take care of themselves and call a friend to hang out with.

 

Last edited by a moderator: Jun 16, 2022

I'm not gonna pretend i've touched such lows, but i've been struggling with depression and an overall shitty existance for over 15 years now, tried therapy and medication which sort of worked every time for a brief period of time but yeah, afer a while is back to square one and at this point i don't give a shit anymore, gonna hold up for as long as i can then who knows.

Not the same situation of course but i see your point, and as wrong as i know it is, i agree. I really hope things change for you, fellow audiosexer.

 

shit,almost same here...
please don't give up.

 

Hi there!
You edited your post, but since they're talking about depression, I guess that's your concern. Excuse my English, I'll try my best.

NOTE for the reader: if you're not interested in somebody else's shit, skip this...
It's hard to go on, nobody denies it. In fact, I drink every night before going to bed. I used to smoke joints (hash or weed) but I quit because after 10 years it went useless and it was just a waste of money. But I still need something to numb myself so I choosed alcohol. It is not the best thing to do, but, I do. Either way, it is not the solution to my problems, but my problems are not those kind of problems you solve just writing down some numbers and then you get a result and voilà... Sometimes I'm happy and I can see life positively, but other times I can just see shit all over sourronding me. I love cooking, I LOVE it. And sometimes I'm cooking something and I think to myself: "why the fuck am I spending 1 hour to cook this when I'll eat it away in just 5 minutes???". I was cooking yesterday a spanish omelete (potatoes and onion) and when I was deep frying the potatoes with the onions I thought to myself: "what the fuck if I smash this dish with all the potatoes and the onions against the wall? who could even care of it?". Sometimes you feel like you're just doing what you have to do, but there's other things that make you worry than the things that worry common people. Can't explain, but, and I really talk seriously: sometimes you need another opinion, some other person to tell you: hey, you're fine, and that understands you and can give you the help YOU NEED. I went to doctors and had tablets, had hypnotics to sleep, and had antidepressants, and then had anxyolitics, and other antidepressants. Medication helps, but it's not only a matter of drugs, it's something that needs some external support such as a psychologist or a very close friend that can give you the support and understanding you need. And helping somebody to overcome a depression is not just saying: "hey, life is beautiful, forget your worries and you'll be just fine". It is not solved with a snap of fingers... I am talking about somebody that lets you vent yourself, express your feelings without being judged.

In the end, I can say I tried many things, and I can tell that I still hang on there as I can, just because life has bad and good things altogether. And I want (even though sometimes I don't want to, but in the very deep down, I really desire them) the good things. A very close friend of mine, who is actually my putative mother, french woman, old, she always tells me that you have to look at the tiny pretty little things the world and the life has to offer you. You have to retain those things and make your own world out of them. It's hard, I KNOW. But the truth is that it compensates.

I found out I got a few things/persons where I can lean on: my putative mother, my sister, music, films and silence... Yeah, I live in the Costa del Sol, in the very coast (or shore, beside the sea) so it is so noisy and crowded that sometimes I need to go to the countryside with my car just to get rid off of all that shit for a while... or a lonnnng whiiiiiile... You know what I mean. Anyway, what I try to tell is just that it's something you have to do: find some things that fulfill you. And if music making is one of them, JUST GO ON, continue. You will be occupied in something you enjoy (and you make it good, as far as I listened to).

Just be strong. You know you can, even though you don't believe it, you are.

BIG HUGE HUGS! Bear Hugs!!!

 

And... hey! Anybody who loves cats (you have one, a very quiet one, in your avatar) is a good person!

 

From your OP, I was really expecting some real crap. But some of those were pretty damn good. Maybe not mixed the best, but the songs themselves weren't bad at all.

 

hey random forum friends.

wanted to apologize again for venting here. although it certainly is a friendly place I also recognize... i mean shit I come here for an escape so I'm ashamed I turned a post about music into a diary entry (now this one is too). Plus- if you listen to any of the lyrics that aren't by rick astley i pretty much cover all that ground. lol.

i also wanted to say thank you for the understanding, and the kind words shared, and for the pm's i got. things suck, but fortunately/unfortunately they always kinda suck so it's just a matter of slouching into a comfortable spot, like on a sofa. i'd rather i have my broken brain than someone else. I'll be good, i got a medicine that works for the super scary side of things. i SO didn't mean to concern anyone, and i realize that's why saying shit like that is shitty.

on that note, because i called comcast shortly after my very angsty post and i was still "in a mood", well more of a mood- the conversation with the retention team did NOT last very long and my internet will be cancelled tonight at midnight (as they told me it would, then they tried to give me all these deals and shit even when i said i couldn't pay them and i didn't know when i could). I should offer a service for shutting down corporate talking points by being very blunt about my dark history and situation. I DO make sure to never be rude or purposely abrasive towards the poor customer service agent trying to get a paycheck... but generally some short conversations that start with,"This isn't directed at you BUT..."

I'm new to this forum, and this was my last form of socializing besides reddit, which is reddit so meh- but because of my stupid rant I just wanted to make sure everyone knew i'm "good", i'm just going to be traveling to the digital equivalent of a desert island. I have ALL the fun stuff i could ever want from the sister site :D:D:D (i'll be honest i enjoy the collection side of things as well as the functionality, like if I ever NEED 7 different pulteqs i am so covered. best thing i did during the pandemic was spend some of that covid money on upgrading my computer... i figured i'd be inside a lot. not like this but hey.) I have a ton of movies, some single player video games, rice for the next two weeks. paradise. what the hell do i have to complain about?

I've been up almost 30 hours, which was more exciting back in the day when it was "probably" due to a illicit drug not while being stone cold sober and having some form of cptsd that i gave to myself lol. i have sleeping pills, i try to see if i can sleep without them sometimes... and no i still cannot. i haven't been able to take a nap for over a year, which at least is more recent than the last time i got a hug from someone i cared for. this is why it's great i write about this shit, i get to see the bright side of things- like at least i got to enjoy naps for a bit longer than hugs!

anyhow, i'm taking the dose in a bit, they make me sleep for 12-14 hours sometimes. (fucking 22 hours one day a month ago- wtf. SAME amount of pills, maybe i was sick or something, maybe i got covid somehow despite being isolated but wasn't symptomatic... besides sleeping a day. OR my brain is just broken is all) So this is me signing out, saying THANK YOU to everyone, not just for any nice words for me but just general vibe of both sites.

LASTLY, even though I DON'T have the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder .... I kinda do when it comes to my music. it's very much a love hate, but the hate is more about my lack of drive and focus at this point. So a HUGE thanks for the kind words about that, you guys are putting wind in my sails for my desert island journey. IE i'm gonna work on polishing some things up instead of bother poor forum users with long winded posts.

Compliments here actually have weight. The mixes are terrible for various reasons, one being I haven't had monitors, car speakers or just anything besides my 15 year old 770's (with new fresh earpads and oratory 1990's EQ curve applied to them. i'll make a quick post about that if it hasn't been made yet, cheaper/easier than sonorworks, does the same thing. only for phones, the sonorworks room measurement thing for monitors is something else) and I KNOW you can mix on just headphones, but also I really would like to be able to at least check my mixes on speakers- so i don't really bother very much when I know i'm just exporting them to go on a walk and listen to. also why some of them are like cranked to wall of sound levels, i literally threw some limiter/maximizer on and hit export so i could listen on my phone. thats my way of saying- some those "mixes" are more like what would happen if a chaotic neutral D&D character was behind the board.

the joke song is the cleanest of all of them (probably, again no monitors so it's not even paranoia, i just am unwilling to commit to critiquing something that i potentially can't even hear) because it made me laugh and i wanted to post it. OK, fuck another diary post. That's the lack sleep, i'm so so so tired but when i lay down it doesn't work. well last one at least for a while, until i make my triumphant return and post my cheesy house remix of "like a virgin", or "let's dance"... they're turning out ok. making those style of songs, based off samples are like soda and candy for me, all fun times but kinda shallow. working on my emo electronic stuff is like a 12 course meal with wine pairings that you'll most likely pass out at half way though. i guess balance is key.

TAKE CARE EVERYONE
I WILL MISS NEW DROPS ON THE SISTER SITE AND YOUR CONVERSATIONS
but also I look forward to continuing to crawl through even more of the audio meme shit post when i get a job or something figured out

Later!
Macros

 

I don't know if you still have internet connection, but... try to get some free wi-fi in any shopping mall or bus/train station... Just to keep you connected to this forum and keep on telling your things. I never thought it was no good from you to tell all your story. In fact, sometimes you need to vent, and sometimes the most uncommon place might be the best place to do it...
Just hope this message reaches you anywhere you are. HUGS!

 

hey! i woke up and either comcast messed up (which... wouldn't be that much of a stretch) OR it's TONIGHT at midnight! So one more day. I really really appreciated your reply yesterday- I live near the water too (west coast usa) and i actually went and sat on a bench and watched the waves a bit because of it. So thank you so much. And I'm too much of an addict to the sister site to not drag my laptop to a wifi spot sporadically- so I will definitely check in and see whats going on.

i'm actually just about to go out again for a walk, try to go meditate a bit. it was good to sleep.

i used to sell "fine wine and spirits" for a living, so please have some vermouth or a gin and tonic for me sometime! Especially if you're reaching for it to numb yourself- you at least made my day a better half way across the world, that's something to cheers to. :D I never got to travel but I was always told that's the Spanish go too, of course your wine and sherry are phenomenal as well. i should have moved to Europe, if only to drink. Turns out I was a social drinker, cause i've barely drank anything the last year. also not having free samples or money helps.

i'm off for a walk. take care!

 

Happy to see you're going on better! Glad that sea (the ocean, in your case) helps you, waves and fresh sea breeze is always comforting, I know it very well. I am going to the sea so very often (avoiding summer, which is a nightmare) to have a walk and get lost in my thoughts. Keep on that. And do some exercise (a big walking is enough) or maybe try to do a "spring cleaning" (you know, throw away all the things you don't need, or maybe donate them or offer them to others that might be interested in them). Just to keep yourself occupied. All activities will help you to sleep better, or to sleep a bit, if you're not (I had a large period of insomnia, about 5 years, some years ago).

Of course I'll have some bears and gin and tonics to your health! Hehe, count on that! I have never been to States, but as far as I know, California has same weather as Spain so you can have an idea of what's this country alike. We have good wine an sherry (we call it Jerez, the name of the town where it was made in the beginning) and many good dishes for those who love food! Hehe

Glad to see my words helped you even though we're miles of km away. The magic of Internet!

Enjoy your walk and take care you too! HUGS!

P.S.: you also made me feel happy to find out what you're saying in your message this morning.
Cheers!