​

Somewhere along the line, people got this idea that I think I'm perfect and nothing could be further from the truth. It just goes to show you that oftentimes we make up an identity for someone based on how we believe they perceive themselves and then delight in describing in infinite detail how they fail to measure up against it. As many of you might already know, I had a period of 10 years clean which went down the drain after the culmination of some terrible events in my life. This had all stemmed from the dissolution of my relationship to the girl I planned on marrying, the death of my father to stage 4 cancer, deaths of other family members and friends, serious health problems, anxiety, depression, isolation, nihilism, etc. I somehow found myself in a position that I'd never imagined that I'd ever be in again, back on heroin. This binge lasted for years and ended up nearly killing me because addiction picks up where you last left off and I approached this undertaking again with a fervor that can only be found in a man searching for an exit. One year ago the count started over again when, with some hard work and unexpected support, I finally found the strength within myself to quit and today I'm celebrating 1 year clean. I don't generally share private stuff like this but since some of you are already invested in my life and I think that other people can find strength in my story, I've decided to put myself out there. If you're struggling, know that you're not alone. I've included the song Dopamine which was written by Zachary Cole Smith about his own struggles with addiction and I have a feeling that he might've also had me in mind. It really captures what it's like to be in the grip of addiction and the years that fly by as a consequence. Huge thanks to DIIV, those guys have been really good to me.

Shots ringing out, I'm soaking
Eardrums shaking, years start weighin' me down
Crawling out from a spiral down
Fixing now to mix the white and brown
Passing out, running in place
You're the sun and I'm your cloud
Burning down, running in place
Got so high I finally felt like myself

Shots wringing out, I'm soaking
Eardrums shaking, years start weighing me down
Buried deep in a heroine sleep
Floating deeper underground
Passing out, running in place
You're the sun and I was your cloud
Burning out, running in place
Got so high I finally felt like myself

Would you give your 81st year
For a glimpse of heaven, now and here?
Would you give your 60th year
For a glimpse of heaven, now and here?
Would you give your 45th year
For a glimpse of heaven, now and here?
Would you give your 34th year
For a glimpse of heaven, now and here?

Shots ringing out, I'm soaking
Eardrums shaking, years started weighing me down
Crawling out from a spiral down
Fixing now to mix the white and brown
Passing out, running in place
You're the sun and I am your cloud
Burning down, running in place
Got so high I finally felt like myself

Shots wringing out, I'm soaking
Eardrums shaking, years start weighing me down
Buried deep in a heroine sleep
Floating deeper underground
Passing out, running in place
You're the sun and I'm your cloud
Burning out, running in place
Got so high I finally felt like myself

​

 

Living life by the drop, respect and congratulations

 

Very very brave to admit those sorts of things, it’s certainly not easy and not everyone usually understands, but I do think that with musicians, there is a lot of tolerance, compassion, understanding and care (unless it’s the Mac vs PC thing...). Nobody understands what goes on behind closed doors or the other side of a computer screen, but we all have our troubles, failings and dark days. I have always been very open about my own mental health issues, partially to pre-excuse if my head goes and I break down, but also because I know there is support there if I ever need it and people watch my back. I haven’t had to struggle with addiction, but have traits of that, so I can only imagine how difficult it is to let go and make that change, but you have done extremely well, should be extremely proud, and whilst I can’t relate, if ever you need to vent, scream at a strange, my DM’s will always be open for you.

 

Congrats. We're on the same path. Long periods of sobriety ruined by whatever events we use to justify relapsing. I've got a number of years now, but year one is the best feeling. Its all uphill from there. Just remember, the stuff out there isn't the stuff we did 10 years ago. Relapsing doesn't mean just resetting a counter anymore. For most I know, the counter ends.

 

Congrats! I know how hard it can be to resist the urge. Not something you wish upon even your worst enemy. In April it's 2 years for me but I don't really count the days though. I'm lucky to have wasted only 10 years of my life, and even more lucky to be alive after abusing fentanyl for so long!

Thank you for sharing!

 

this is a big fucking deal you should be proud of yourself

 

my deepest respekt for being very strong!!!

 

Fair played to you. Thanks for sharing your amazing achievement. I really admire your strength and courage.
I look forward to the day, I'll hopefully get the monkey off my back.

 

Congratulations! What an amazing achievement, I don't know you personally but know who you are from the forum/sister site.
My best mate had an addiction to alcohol and it was a very long an tedious realisation for him to get past his addiction but he managed it.
Stay strong, even if it's a day to day process, you've managed 365 days....... here's to the next 365!

 

@Catalyst Thanks for sharing your personal struggles with the rest of us here. All I have to say to you is congratulations on your milestone. Your story is inspiring, and shows that where there is a will there is a way.

 

Good on you man.

Keep it up, it's hard, as the Chinese say.

Be thankful for your pain, for it lets you know you are still alive.
​

 

I really want to thank everyone for their kind words and support, it really means a lot to me. Respect to those that have shared their own struggles with overcoming addiction, it's not an easy thing to admit. Addiction is all the same whether it's to alcohol, heroin, gambling or if anger is your poison. The substance is immaterial to the disease itself.

Well said man. I've been lucky to have issues with both addiction and mental health so I've been fighting a really difficult battle for most of my life. Thanks for your offer, it's comforting to know that people are there if I'm ever having an exceptionally difficult time.

You're absolutely right on all accounts. I've buried quite a few friends myself and it's a stark reminder that this isn't for the faint hearted. It's just not worth it for the garbage circulating these days and I say that even though I have access to better gear than many others get to play with. It'll never be the same as the beginning because not only is the material worse but our senses are deadened after years of use. Like anything else, there's a time to let go. You have to let go of who you are to become who you might be.

Thanks so much for the sentiment. It can be helpful to feel some semblance of control when you feel like you have no agency, no matter how insignificant you feel that control might be. I'll tell you a few things that I've learned from my battles with addiction, perhaps you'll find something useful:

1) It's important to have a good support system. It's not impossible to do it on your own but having people that can help you when you're really struggling can be the difference between life and death. The best situation is having other addicts that have quit because they'll better understand what you're going through and know how to help. That being said, don't discount the people around you that don't have personal experience, they still love you and will usually go the distance to help you succeed.

2) You can't just remove something, you have to replace it with something of equal value. Otherwise it hurts too much to let go because you're losing something. For me, music has been there when my life became unbearable and my desire to improve at it gave me a way to find catharsis and something to strive for in the darkest of times. It can be useful to find something to latch onto when making big changes and it'll help you keep your mind occupied. Something that reminds you of why it's great to be alive.

3) Garbage in, garbage out. Diet, exercise, sleep and not listening to your negative thoughts can make such a huge difference that it's really quite remarkable. Don't underestimate this, it really does help.

4) Don't underestimate the power of environment and work to keep your daily environment to a high standard. The surroundings that we find ourselves in can often be an expression of the state of a person's mind. Keep your environment clean and inspiring and it'll help the mind follow. Feeling stuck? Take control of your environment and that can snowball into all kinds of things. I didn't always believe that something so trivial could be so powerful but I'm happy to report that I was wrong.

5) Try to understand why you're using. For many this boils down to some kind of psychological trauma or even just difficulty with life in some way (anxiety, depression, etc.). I really delved into the study of psychology to understand myself and it's been one of the most rewarding endeavors that I've ever undertaken. It's also incredibly interesting if you're into that sort of thing. If you don't address the root cause, you will always be a prisoner.

6) Instead of putting fear in front of you by thinking of all the things you'll have to do to overcome your addictions, put the fear behind you by keeping in mind what will happen if you don't change. That way the fear is pushing you forward rather than blocking your path. I had to learn this the hard way because for far too long fear has been blocking my path and this is coming from someone that used to be fearless. Then, one day I found myself facing challenges that were sufficiently horrific and I froze like a deer in the headlights. Sometimes nothing can prepare you for the kinds of things that can go wrong in life. Now I'm doing everything I can to build sufficient strength for one last final push. I've got the soundtrack all picked out.

 

Congratulations brother. I'm proud of you. Just to see how far u've come and sharing your experience with us means a lot. Wish we could toast a bottle of Heineken for this.

 

Thank you for this, it must've not been easy.

I feel for you, I've managed to kick opiates and others, still struggling with alcohol though.

It ain't easy saying "i'm done with this shit" and actually acting on it, much respect for you staying on the wagon even if you fucked up one time.

Keep on keeping on!

 

Yes friend... I feel you. I've been through some similar shit myself. My father also died from a stage four cancer, I divorced, had to make drastic changes in my lifestyle and career which atm seemed worse then hell and everything happened in a blink of an eye. In two years or so back when I was 34. I also struggled with depression, alcohol, weed, cocaine, and several other substances and really really bad inner demons, but never touched heroin as I do have a prejudice against it and it's also somehow inaccessible over here.
Among all things I guess alcohol really got me at a time. I was unable to do shit days in a row without it. And a bottle of Jack Daniel's from the very first hours of the day kept me in a state where bad shit could not touch me. At least that's what I thought medicated with all other shit I was doing.
I never sought for help. I barely thought I had a problem at the time. But somehow my body and mind combined with the many hours spent in wild nature thanks for my new job made me slow down a bit. I had a year of sleep or so with no alcohol/ But depression stayed with me, paralyzing any thought or glimpse of hope. My dabbling in electronic music I guess kept me afloat at the time. Now I am forty. I continue to drink and do my shit but at a slower pace and I am more relaxed about it and life in general. I have a kid - 3 yo - , a new wife, a pretty lush home studio and a small agro business which is ok now. I am cool about it all. Things come and go. I am here now, standing upright in front of myself and life... and sometimes smiling, looking back and forth.
I am not saying be strong. I am just saying accept yourself, understand yourself, let your true self be cool. Stay safe!

 

respect bro, respect. i've been struggling with weed since my youngest cat died 1 year 4 months and 18 days ago , then the pandemic started, my other cat died 10 months and 19 days ago, 6 days before she would have turned 16 . i was planning on going into rehab but then everything went into lockdown and curfew, which basically meant i would have to stay there 3 months and no leaving for a weekend, day or even a few hours, i still have 2 cats, 1 is 1,5 years old now and the other one is about a month and a half away from turning 17, been with me since he was 4 weeks old. he wont understand if i leave for 3 months and he's to old to travel and is starting to have health problems. while this rehab thing was going on there's also the woman problems since a few days after christmas and before new years eve, which turned into the pushing away and pulling me back, gave me a psychosis or 2 and then after what seemed a great night decided to fuck me up some more and said she doesnt want anything with me and was doing it out of pity and guilt and was using me . few days after i had my first meeting at the rehab center i quit weed. 2020 has been a real asshole and it seems it's not done yet. but then again time is only a way to tell how much time has passed.