Okay, here's one that I think deserves a spot. It's a remark by Ringo Starr (not the beetle, the Beatle) who, after having his tonsils out in 1964 and missing out on The Beatles' tour of Scandinavia and Holland, caught up with the other three (and sit-in drummer Jimmy Nicol) in Melbourne. Disembarking from his flight he was met by a local radio reporter who welcomed him to Australia, congratulated him on his quick recovery and then asked him: "So, Ringo, can you tell the listeners how you feel?" Ringo held up his paws, showing the interviewer his palms and in his Scouse accent replied, deadpan: "Well... normally... I just use me hands!"

 

Some IT jokes from me...

1)
Her: I'm trying to run this file and it won't.
Me: where did it come from?
Her: the dean sent it to me because he couldn't open it.
Me: where did he get it.
Her: let me see ... (checks) ... he says it came in an email.
After a little more research, turns out it was a virus email that he'd been trying to run for half an hour, and then recruiting the rest of his staff to help him get it running.

2)
Customer: There's smoke coming out of the back of my computer and it smells like burning.
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.
Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS. [After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE.EXE and reboot your computer. [Customer does this]
Customer: It is still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE. [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back four hours later]
Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering, where can I get it done and how much it will cost...

Great thread! Cheers!

 

Last edited: May 26, 2018

Some guitarist jokes I picked up along my Internet ways:

Q: How can you tell a guitarist is at your door?
A: By the Dominos Pizza hat.

Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.

Q: How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unision?
A: Shoot One.

Q: What would a guitarist do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Q: How do you get a guitarist to turn down?
A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

Q: What do an electric guitarist and a vacuum cleaner have in common?
A: When you plug them in, they both suck.

Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None-- they just steal someone else's light.
Alternate Answer: 5-- One to change the bulb and 4 do watch him and say "I can do better than that."
Alternate Answer: Only one-- but he'll go though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

Q: In the 22nd Century, how many guitarists will it take to change a light source?
A: 5-- One to do it and 4 to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A: Who cares - neither one's a guitar!

Q: What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
A: You can negotiate with the PLO.

Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
A: Neither have I.

Q: Why do musicians have to be awake by six o'clock?
A: Because most shops close by six thirty.

Q: Why are so many guitar player jokes one liners?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them.

2 guys were walking down the street. One was destitute.
The other was a guitarist as well.

Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
A: All of them, evidently.

Q: What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless

Q: What do you call a successful guitarist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.

Q: What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A: “How do you plead? …”

Q: What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who’s told too many drummer jokes.

Q: How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb?
A: He holds it and the world revolves around him.

Q: How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?
A: Nobody knows.

Q: Why was the amplifier invented?
A: So the guitarist would have a place to put his beer.

Q: What did the blues guitarist’s tombstone read?
A: “I didn’t wake up this morning.”

Q: What’s the difference between a Lead Guitarist and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
A: His amp

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10. 1 to screw it in, 9 to say, “He Sucks!”

Two guitar players walked by a bar ...... it COULD happen!

A Bass player and a drummer suicide themselves and fall from the top of a building…
Plofff… ……… … …… …… …… …… ….. Ploff

Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a savings bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money.

Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?

Two jazz guitarists are talking to each other, and one says, “Yeah man, I bought your last album, it was pretty good!” to which the other replies, “So that was you!”.

What’s the difference between a jazz guitar player and a large cheese pizza? The pizza can actually feed a family of four.

A typical rock band is…
A great guitar player on lead guitar, a crappy guitar player covering rhythm, a guitar player that sucked so bad at it he switched to bass, a singer that can’t play guitar at all but still insists on strapping on an acoustic and strumming along during the slow songs, and a drummer that hates guitar players.

Once upon a time… there were two friends ..., One was a musician…. the other.. has got NO money either!!

Q: How do you lower the drag coefficient on a guitarist’s car?
A: Take off the “Domino’s Pizza” sign.

Q: What does a stripper do with her asshole before going to work?
A: Drops him off at the Guitar Center.

Whats the difference between a Stadium Rock Guitarist and a Jazz Guitarist ?
A rock player plays three chords to thousands of people…

Why bury guitar players 6 feet under? Because deep down they’re all very nice people.

What does a guitar player ask when showing up for a gig? 1. Where do I plug in? 2. What do I play? 3. Can I run a tab?

Why do guitar players like to tour in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.

Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in the car?
It took three hours to get the bass player out.

In a packed bar, a woman blurts out, ALL guitar players are A-holes!!
A drunk yells, I resent that remark.
Why are you a guitar player?
No, I’m an A-hole!

What did the guitarist get on his sheet music?
Drool…

What’s the difference between an electric guitar player and a vacuum cleaner?
When you unplug a vacuum cleaner it doesn’t suck anymore.

What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? A rock guitarist learns 3 chords, practices for 3 months and plays to a crowd of 30,000 people. A jazz guitarist learns 30,000 chords, practices for 30 years, and plays to a crowd of 3 people.

Why are so many guitar player jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them.

“Mommy, Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
“Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”

Q: What do you call a guitar player without a lawnmower?
A: Unemployed.

What’s the difference between a blues guitarist, and a jazz guitarist? Blues guitarist play one note for a thousand people, while a jazz guitarist play a thousand notes for one person.

Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

Q: What’s the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A: Depends on how far you throw it.

Q: How long does a guitar stay in tune?
A: About twenty minutes, or until someone plays it.

Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: A guitar player with a business card.

Q: What does a Heavy Metal Musician use for birth control?
A: His personality.

Did you hear about the guitar player who was so depressed because his timing was soooo bad?
He threw himself behind a train…

Q. How can you tell if the stage is level?
A. The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

What is the difference between a heavy metal guitarist and a prostitute?
The heavy metal guitarist wears more makeup.

Last night I was out robbing. I stuck my gun in some guy’s face. Then I saw his guitar case. I wound up giving him $30 and my watch.

Rock on!

 

A woman walks into a fingerstyle guitar convention, picks up a guitar and begins to play. She plays so beautifully that before she has finished the song she has attracted a big crowd of onlookers.
"What is that strange tuning?!" she is asked by one of the listeners.
"EADGBE" she replies.

 

"Daddy, what's a vacuum?"
"Well, kid, I got it in my head, but I can't remeber right now."

 

Great! ))

My favorite Chuck Norris fact:

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, but the Grim Reaper doesn't dare to tell him.

lmao

 

I just made this up...

It could be said that a violin player's boyfriend is her/his "bow".

Take my wife, please!

 

Last edited by a moderator: Jun 25, 2018

a comedian friend here was performing at a deaf audience benefit/event and there's a person sign-ing everything the comics are saying... well his turn comes up and he's totally bombing. He walks over to the translator, taps her on the shoulder and says, 'Is this thing on?"

 

RIMSHOT!

 

This one is old as the hills:

What's the difference between a drummer and a broken watch...

You can repair the watch.

 

That's some fancy freestylin my friend . Is the term "bow" originally British English? I thought it was deep sticks US side

 

Actually it's derived from the Latin for handsome: bellus, through the French 'Beau'.

Not to be confused with the Latin 'Bellum' for war.

Although I s'pose under the wrong circumstances one could lead to t'other.

Sorry, Latin was my Language in college (all those centuries ago.)

 

OMG! ...i'M LAUGHING MY ASS soo off .....

I can't wait to send these ones to my brother-in-law, experienced bassist who has suffered a lot of guitarists.

Edited: which remembers me what my sister (meaning his wife) sent me couple months ago:

 

Last edited: Jun 25, 2018

you're right i know

i even done it once :

 

(modified to be a musician's joke)

Guitarist: What's the wifi's password ?
Bartender: Buy a drink first.
Guitarist: what's,'your cheapest ?
Bartender: Bud Light, 5.00$
Guitarist: Anything cheaper ?
Bartender: Sorft drinks, 3.00$
Guitarist: OK, I'll have a diete coke, is that ok ?
Bartender:Yes ... here it is.
Guitarist: So ... ! ? what's the wifi's password ?
Bartender: Buy a drink first, no caps no space.
----------------
(original)
Client: What's the wifi's password ?
Bartender: Buy a drink first.
Client: I'll have a diete coke, is that ok ?
Bartender:Yes ... here it is.
Client: So ... ! ? what's the wifi's password ?
Bartender: Buy a drink first, no caps no space.

 

Last edited: Jun 29, 2018

"When I'm not menstruating I'm ovulating so I haven't time to code"
Ohhh nooooo xDDDDDDd
So nasty... hahahaha