Share a joke or two ,see ya around audiosexers ! :




{ Sleep with an open window tonight!

1400 mosquitos like that. 420 mosquitos commented on it. 210 mosquitos shared this.

One mosquito invited for the event. 2800 mosquitos will be attending the event. }


{ Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul. }


{ What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
-
Snowballs. }

{ In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?" }

{ Mr. Smith: “Doctor, you remember this strengthening solution you prescribed me yesterday?”

Doctor: “Yes, what’s the matter?”

Mr. Smith: “I would like to use it but I can’t open the bottle!” }


{ I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now. }



{ A police officer stops a car.

Officer: “Your driver’s license please.”

Driver: “I’m really sorry, I forgot.”

Officer: “At home?”

Driver: “No, to do it.” }


{ Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

The love of your life.

Liar! Chocolate can’t speak! }


{ I thought I’d tell you a good time travel joke – but you didn't like it. }

{ A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”...
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you … }

 

Q: What is the difference between a trombone player and a frog walking down the same road?
A: The frog is probably going to a gig.

_________________________________________________________________

Gigs are becoming fewer and need to be taken when they are offered. At the end of a New Year's gig, the proprietor asked the band if they could be booked for next year. The bandleader confirmed and the trombone player then asked of he could leave his trombone there.

_________________________________________________________________

Q: What is the difference between a trampoline and a piano accordion?
A: You don't need to take your shoes off to jump on a piano accordion.

_________________________________________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a dead banjo player and a dead cow on the road?
A: Skid marks before the cow.

_________________________________________________________________

 

A man comes home and carries a lamb under his arm. He goes to his wife's bedroom and says, "This is the stupid cow with whom I have to have sex every time you don't want to." His wife looks at him and asks, "Are you bonkers, that's a lamb, not a cow." The man replies, "Who's talking to you?"

 

{ When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up. }


{ Chuck Norris was once bitten by a black mamba. After three days of agony, the black mamba died. }

{ The Apple customer support did as Chuck asked and speedily installed Android on his iPhone. }


True Chuck Norris facts:

-
Chuck Norris was born in 1940 but he looks at least 20 years younger.
-
He is said to have some Cherokee roots.
-
Chuck Norris wanted to become a police officer.
-
His real name is Carlos Ray Norris Jr.
-
He got his nick name "Chuck" from a friend in the military during his time in Korea.
-
He was world champion in Karate.
-
Chuck Norris has 5 kids.
-
Chuck Norris did a roundhouse kick in every martial arts movie he made.
-
He has a black belt in Tang Soo Do (10th degree) and black belt in Tae Kwon Do (8th degree). He was also the first Westerner in the history of Tae Kwon Do to have earned the 8th degree black belt.
-
In younger days his favorite actor was John Wayne.
-
His favorite joke is "Before the Boogie Man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris".

 

{ Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Opportunity!

That is impossible. Opportunity doesn’t come knocking twice! }


{Knock knock.

Who’s there?

FBI.

FB…

We are asking the questions here! }


{ Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Art.

Art who?

R2-D2, of course. }



{ Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Spell.

Spell who?

W-H-O. }

 

Three men are standing on a diving board. Every men may do a wish and if they jump it will happen. The first men wish that he could swim in a pool full with whisky. The second men wish that he could swim in a pool full with money. The third men didn't really know what he should wish. It was very heavy for him. He was doubting and jumping, but then suddenly he falls of the diving board and says oh shit...

 

Here some Mama Jokes for the week;

Monday:
Your mama so fat, her pictures are heavy.

Tuesday:
Your mama so dumb, she tripped over a cordless phone.

Wednesday:
Your mama being a welfare so long, that they put her
face on food stamps.

Thursday:
Your mother is such a hoe, she wears panties just to keep her ankles warm.

Friday
I bet every guy on the block has been to your mom store, the GAP.

Saturday:
Your mama is so dumb, you bought a glass door with a peephole.

Sunday:
Your mom is soo dumb, she got fired from a blow job.

Bonus:
Your mom used to work at the sperm bank, and then got fired for drinking on the job.

Enjoy

 

Don't let your Mama read this.

 

Microsoft works

 

er
"free market"

 

What's God's favourite chord?

Gsus.

 

When is a boy not a boy?

When he turns into a store.
(Just for those who don't get it and English as a second language candidates...see below)


One of the rules of comedy says, if you need to explain the joke, it is either really not all that funny or you are telling it in the wrong room.

 

{ The lead sound on this track is too loud said spyfx....
....to which spyfx replied that he is so bored turning down a few db's that lead sound & exporting the audio again....
....his respected five friends are angry with him now, but know he can do better if not bored... }

Respect the Tribes :

 

.....
(This Joke removed. Was funny but not after reading it back 10 times)

Below is a better one:

 

Last edited: May 16, 2018

I had inherited an old violin and a painting of sorts. After taking them to an auction house for appraisal I was quickly assured they were a real Stradivarius and a genuine Rembrandt. I told the auction owner, great, if he jacked up the price nicely we would share whatever the goods fetched. The auctioneer then looked at me warily and politely declined the offer. I asked him why. The man sighed deeply and then said: "Notwithstanding the uniqueness of both these pieces, I doubt they will ever, ever, sell at all. You see, Stradivarius was a horrible painter and Rembrandt built lousy violins."

 

nice one !

 

There was a young, brilliant woman named Celeste who felt lost in the fast paced and chaotic world she had created for her life as the lead corporate lawyer and board member of a large multinational chemical conglomerate. One prophetic sunny spring day she decided to make a 180° turn in her life and just plain walked out of her multi-million dollar job to the dumbfounded stares of her fellow board members sitting at the huge oval desk in the executive conference room at their NYC headquarters, handed off the keys to her Ferrari as a parting gift to her personal assistant, emptied her bank accounts and donated 90% of her great wealth to various children's charities. She then booked a one way flight to Tibet as the first step of her new life. She had heard from her yoga teacher of a great and wise Master, a 140 year old sage living in isolation within the mud walls of a tiny shack on the face of a 5,000 foot cliff just outside of a remote village high above the tree line in the Himalayas. The woman felt that if she could just find out the meaning of life that her own would become fulfilled and that she could live out the rest of her days in simplified happiness. When she landed in Gonggar airport in Lhasa, as pre-arranged, met her guide, a smiling and vivacious young man named Pemba who had made arrangements for the long and arduous journey to village of Bome in the southeastern part if the country. After two trains and two busses, riding in the back of a cart hauling manure, and a three day hike, she began the ascent of the the mountain with Tashi, the Sherpa that would insure her safety. After a night hunkered down together praying that their tent as well as themselves would not be either blown over down the mountain or that they be suffucated under the snow, they woke up under the most beautiful azure sky Celeste has ever seen, and the sharp jagged snow covered bergs framing against that perfect blue sky was like a vision of a magic land reflecting the lenses of her green eyes. After an unfulilling but high energy breakfast of peanut butter, honey and a mash of hemp and sunflower seeds washed down with a homemade, too sweet tasting electrolyte drink of Tashi's creation, they hiked only a few hundred meters before they saw the Master's stone and mud brick hewed hut lying on the rocky base of a high cliff only 200 meters to the east of where they were now standing. Celeste's heart sang at the thought of coming to the end of her journey and finding the answer to her query and future happiness. It took her another breath stealing half hour trudge in the thin altitude to reach the Sage's ochre colored wooden door. She stood there for a minute or so not hearing a peep coming from the inside. Just as her hand was about to gently knock, a high, soft voice with a British accent said, "Please come in, Celeste". Shocked at her personal bidding she slowly pushed the heavy door open. There, floating a foot off of the red dirt floor sitting cross legged in flowing saffron robes, his bald pate reflecting the early morning light coming in from the open door, The Sage smiled beatificly at Celeste, his kind eyes welcoming her into his holy space. She felt a calm come over herself and thought that she had never felt so physically relaxed in her whole life, and all the nervousness and trepidation about her life changing behavior seemed to have vanished like a misty morning fog in the light of the sun in his radiating presence. He beckoned her come sit on a cushion directly in front of him and took her hands in his. Celeste felt what seemed as an electric current emanating into her from his grasp and and saw the golden halo of his aura. She now knew that she had made the right decision in coming all this way. They remained like thus, starring eye to eye for the next 20 minutes at which time The Sage let go of her right hand, took his own left hand and opened his palm slowly, closed it, shook it three or four times in the air, and when he again opened it there was manifest a thick golden ring with his likeness of both their faces embossed on a flattened area about the size of a dime. He put the ring on her finger and it was a perfect fit. He again took both her hands, looked deeply into her eyes and asked her if she had a question that she wanted to ask him. She said, "Master, I have left my previous life, given away all my money and worldly possessions and wish now to dedicate my existence to helping others less fortunate than myself. I have traveled half a world to see you and ask this one question that I might have clear insight to the human condition. My Teacher, my Master, what is the meaning of life? The Sage did not hesitate and said, "Always...I mean, never...."

 

Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2018

This is it yes ^
^ a few enlightened ones will understand
High quality truth & humor here from the Sage