Music, Musicians and the rest of the world...

Kookaboo · Oct 1, 2012

Music, Musicians and the rest of the world...
Fun for reading & laughing - highly recommended to all o' so serious people out there....
Code:
https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Music
Code:
https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Portal:Music
An excerpt:

Musicians

The people who are considered those who, if standards can be set low enough, create and play music. Musicians come in a variety of shapes and sizes but their ability to perform is usually at an immeasurable low of record terribleness. It's a commonly known fact that everyone's band sucks as do all the people in those bands, including you. While some marginally talented assholes manage to become popular and find success a vast majority never will leaving the world constantly littered with failed music groups. Most musicians have the collective maturity of a livejournal community such as rock stars who are entitled to act like glorified children due to their fame and fortune. This lack of success doesn't affect the exceedingly high level of self importance held by the rest of the music world despite their populations of rich and beautiful individuals with obvious talent and originality.

Musicians can be separated into two categories: professional and amateur. Professional musicians are the greedy assholes who pump out mind numbing music tumors slowly killing the cancer victim known as modern music. Amateur musicians are their laughably shitty counterparts who can't rise to the challenge of excellence set by liquor hungry blackies looking to sell you some rap CD's. The Internet being the world wide gutter that it is houses the works and members of many amateur bands. Both groups are renowned for their horrific efforts to destroy all pleasure music provides but both approaches vary quite a bit from one another.

Professionals

Professional musicians help ruin music by ensuring that no original thought mistakenly finds it way into any songs meant to be heard by the public. Hipsters would have you believe that a band is only good during a golden era of uncorrupted non-commercialized art production in a magical land of coffee shops and mac books, but they are wrong. All musicians yearn to sell out and cash in on their doomed notoriety as soon as possible. Due to this dynamic all professional music is filled with whores who only bother pretending to have any promise until they achieve commercial gain.

Depending on the genre of music, popular bands and their members, typically, will shamelessly rape a sub-culture for its image and sound. Each genre of music is often represented by equally pathetic attention whores.

Amateurs

Anyone can be in an amateur band! All it takes is a complete lack of music theory, an inability to operate a single instrument, and a myspace page. Amateur musicians tend to be borderline war criminals guilty of killing any sliver of happiness left in the human soul. This is caused by the same reason that allows anyone to become an artist; letting everyone try to produce sound results in deafening sound abominations unfit to walk the same frequency of hearing. There are at least one trillion new bands formed every moment and roughly that number break up during that same time.
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Music Software:

Cubase - A program which fills your screen with over 9000 dialog and plugin boxes. MDI is the cancer that was killing this industry leader software, which also invented the VST plugins.. Now, world has ableton, which has efficient panels and everything, wincluding VST support.

Ableton Live - Popular amongst DJs who can't beatmatch or use vinyl. Can use all the plugins you've pirated from BitTorrent but crashes on a regular basis when this is attempted. "your buggy dll's are not my problem, i crash if i wanna."
The software has functions such as searching all your disks for sample files, having synthesizers, samplers etc, but after seeing plugins like spectrasonics omnisphere or native instruments Komplete 7 you won't want to use them ever again. Ableton is a German company, which tells all.

Sibelius - Program named after some old Finnfag and used by people who appreciate classical music. Comes with hundreds of instruments that have a grand total of about seven different sounds. To break trends in computer software, each version of this program gets progressively worse. Most recently, version 6 will not only offer to format you score fully automatically, but also fill in your tax returns and structure any awkward conversations you were planning on having in the next six months. Favorite for people with autism, schizophrenia, and music degrees.

Finale - Similar to the above, except doesn't completely suck balls. Most of the included instruments sound different, though there are a handful of pain in the ass errors, though the software does manage to improve with each new version.

Guitar Pro - A stripped-down, clunkier version of the above two, intended primarily for the self-indulgent needs of 14-year-old fretwankers who desperately need a way to transmit to the world that not only can they play minor pentatonics really fast, but that they know how to notate that noise too. Ships with the realistic sound engine, possibly the worst sample library ever made, which contains such exciting instruments as a drumkit where each component is indistinguishable from all the others, and a hellishly awful guitar patch which recurs repeatedly playing some unpalatable solo on the aforementioned 14-year-old's band MySpace. Inexplicably, if you torrent this program, all the error messages will be in French.

FL Studio - Very good choice. All you have to do is work with the 4 starting sound channels until you have what some of us call a "rhythm". Used by the techno junkies and electronica nerds. Also popular along with Ableton with the emerging dubstep "producers".

GarageBand - The popular choice. Used by 13 year old boys all around the world. Allows you to make shit songs in minutes that people will actually buy. Exemplary of macfag laziness.

Punk-o-Matic - A music-making program/flash game that is featured on Jewgrounds. Punk-o-Matic allows you to control a tiny virtual band that can perform a variety of pre-made, mostly shitty-sounding riffs or rolls with no lyrics (which greatly improves any punk music). There is supposedly an MP3 converter for this game, but there is no way to get the fucking thing to work, no matter how long you fuck around with the zipped files.

ProTools - The Daddy. Difficult to obtain illegally due to it requiring specific hardware to function. After Version 9 came out it no longer requires an mbox to run, just an easily crackable ilok. Pirate all you want kiddies! Popular among people who know what there doing. Warning: This feature is for advanced users only.

Reason - Better way worse than FL Studio. Reason is exclusively for electronic music and has no way to record external inputs or use external effects or virtual instruments and therefore fails at any all other genres. Known to be too confusing for the average user.

Record - An addition to Reason that takes external inputs, bringing Reason users to all new levels of fail.

Mario Paint - This is quickly becoming the favorite choice, especially on YouTube. You can make some incredible songs with this. People will pay millions for this top-of-the-line software. But of course, it gets quite repetitive.

Gameboy Camera - Another favorite choice! Some device with a HAL 9000 head looking peice of shit that connects to your gameboy. You can also take pictures of yourself (and put it on the homo dj you make music with) and upload them to myspace and add some real high contrast drama with it. ...Did i mention it has a dancing mario on the title screen?

Modplug Tracker - Pretend you're in the late 1980s making music on an Amiga computer, except you're using windows.

Audacity - For idiots that can't operate the above programs and are way too cheap to buy something decent. With this you can use the shitty ass effects and most importantly white noise to make your music sound scary and trippy like the equally shitty i-doser!

ACID Pro - Like the bastard child of Ableton and GarageBand, except it came first, and twice as hard to make VSTs work right. Good for looping the same shitty 1 minute track for dozens of hours, days, weeks, etc., etc. Popular with people who never graduated from GarageBand.

Cakewalk Sonar - The best. This underrated software does everything including sucking and fucking me. Steal it off a torrent site now!

Acoustica Mixcraft - Basically, a better, yet somewhat more faggotish version of Sony Acid, sexed with it's illegitimate mother that it came before, Garageband. Comes with one fake-sounding drum set and synths that sound like they were created by deaf Pop musicians.
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lysergyk · Oct 1, 2012

lol...funny there's nothing about reaper or samplitude in the DAW section ..too bad

MARJU GRLYO · Oct 1, 2012

Haha this is so true !

And nothing about Logic too...

duskwings · Oct 1, 2012

the sibelius part is sooo true

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Music, Musicians and the rest of the world...

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Music, Musicians and the rest of the world...

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