Well... i was thinking this morning sitting on my couch, looking back in my past in correlation with the present... And i realised that i still haven't got rid of hate that i carry for my father.

Everytime i hear such of words like "father, dad, daddy, papa, etc. " on tv, internet, people's talking, etc. i feel so much empty wilderness in the meaning of these words like i've never heard of them...

My father used to hate everything i was and everything i loved to do... He was addicted to manipulate his own children, he just loved to controll me thinking i'm a heartless robot with no right for opinions or to be able to freely express myself... He treated me like a trainable dog, which is bound to never touch his rights about thinking free or having choiches.

I never had the right to choose what i love to do, but what he loved to see me doing, so when i was about 13-14years old i started to fight him back and despite the kicks and strikes he had prepared to offer me, it was the first time in my life when i was no more affraid of physical pain. It was the best feeling in my life because it was my greatest hope in defeating him. When he saw he can't controll me no more, he locked the house door so i can't get in and i was forced to sleep in the attic or basement because these two places was separated from the main building of my home, which was cold as hell, but these actuall "treatments" made me stronger in the fight against him... I was able to eat something only when he was temporarily leaving home.
I faced alot of other bad things then, such as he started to lie all my relatives about how bad i am, how much bad things i do and that i'm the only convict in the whole family.

I raised in unfair guiltiness, with no single day without quarrels and conflicts... and all of these faced things poisoned my mind and my heart, creating a dark side inside me which i can't get rid of...

When i was 18-19years old i've got my first real and pure love, which was like a magic healing in all the conflicts i've got against my father because i was still living in the same house with him but after each verbal conflict i was locking myself in my room logging on skype and talking with her without involving or telling her what happened a few minutes ago... trying only to forget what happened and paying attention on her shining kindness and tenderness, being like an angel for me...

But what happened then... as i told you... i tried to keep her away of my father problems as possible as i could, but i failed... and all my personality "glitches" and "sequelae" due to my father fights made me lose her, because instead of avoiding supporting my father, i started talking unintentionally in his advantage against me, i was calling myself a loser, the worst person in the world, telling her that she don't deserve me because i'm too less for what she deserves, things like this... who hurt her badly because she actually loved me the way i was, but i was too blinded by my fighting spirit and then i pushed her away ...
Now i realize how much i blame my father for everything and how much i hate him... That's why i call myself the most figuratively baleful person in the world, because now i even dream about the ways i could've kill him in the past and also about the fact that if he wouldn't existed in my life, then i wouldn't lose her... my only... cure ...
And i even hate my own blood, thinking about if i would ever have a kid, then i will have an adoptive one so i make sure i'll stop the spread of this filthy and dark blood from my veins by never having a natural kid, but anyway, i would love the adoptive one as my own and i would never treat him as my father did...

Now i'm condemned to a life where the only cure and refugee i got left is the music... that's why i love music... but... i was also curious to ask...
How much of you guys hate your own father?

 

Speaking about this in public is very courageous and demonstrate that you certainly are not like your father.
The little I know you confirm that you are respectful to others.

 

Hold on man!

 

Honestly i never did bad things to no one, instead of hurting them emotionally as i did with that girl... but i even bought candies and toys to random kids in a mall rising a smile on their faces, but i think my mind is just too poisoned by hate which generates only mean and horrible things in my head like i would think like a malefic and harmful lord... Damn... I even suffer from bipolarity... These are issues born from the past i guess...

And i guess i'm the only one who hates his father here... But... the fact is that i don't regret hating him... but the consequences generated from it...

 

i suffer from depression/anxiety so can relate to the pain a bit.. i think it was more my mum...
i could be reading the situation wrongly but i get the impression that the hatred he took out on you is the same hatred you feel for him..he just didn't know what to do with it.
one of the things maybe you could do is to see your mind not as this wizard of oz..it doesn't control you..but your dad is still in your head living each time you're controlled by those feelings..
they're not wrong..its just as it should be given the circumstances..but if you can accept them for what they are..thoughts ..and maybe even put them to the test...is this fair now...those old ideas are they still relevent given my situation now....maybe look at some DBT this helps see thoughts for what they are..one matnra is : just because i think it doesn't make it true..etc...dbt is dialetical bevahioural therapy ........loosely it means being able to accept certain things (acceptance never automatically means that you think they're right) and to change other things and have them side by side in your mind. it isn't 12 stepper stuff but similar i guess...
visualisation can help..when you have a hot emotion, becoming aware of it ..imagine what you feel as words (along with the word for the emotion you have. ie rage, anger) piled up on a cart entering from one door..watch it move along to a door at the other side without judging it or being connected to it, and go out the other door.
most important don't judge yourself for experiencing these thoughts..its almost like a flow of energy and being able to watch it without being caught up in it can be useful..your mind is not your god..its more like a naughty teletype machine that just keeps churing it out and you can close the door on it when it gets too much.
DBT uses the book here ... https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131

other things you might consider...screaming into a pillow when you feel overwhelmed...everyone experiences pain its the suffering thats terrible...for months or years of your life due to these echoes and thoughts..
the suffering can be stopped all but...
dbt uses a process of three steps to cope, when you're in that hot moment where you don't know what to do with yourself.....its like being prepared.....1)Distract - take the focus from being cuaght up in your thoughts to being here in the present moment..this can include counting your breaths, counting down from 100 and so on - in a situation with others it could mean taking 5 minutes out in the toliet to calm things down so you can make a decision 2)Relax - , maybe more breathing listen to soemthing you enjoy, squeeze something you like the feel of, some people i think prepare a relax box with nice things in it so they can have it ready for this stage
3) Cope - use alternative thoughts from index cards maybe...ie although i have a hard time i'm still a loving person and this won't last forever, it doesn't feel good right now but it won't last, i'm a sensitive, creative person with rich experiences.
you're basically getting to a position where you can make the decisions properly and not in the heat of a moment...that book also covers assertiveness too.. this is important.
this all makes it sounds like i've sorted it out but i suffer with this nearly every day ..thanks for letting me write this its helped me too - you're going to be fine.

 

Sounds to me your father was the one with the issues and abused his power as your father to instill all of them onto you. Thus a circle is created. By you recognizing this (and talking about it) you will hopefully be able to break this cycle, when you eventually do find true love. Don't get too beat up about losing your first love, most people experience this. Try to turn your hate for your father into pity, you may perhaps never be able to have a proper father/son relationship (that was his choice, not yours) and this will help you in the long term to overcome your personal troubles. I strongly advise you to seek some professional counselling though, you are obviously ready to talk about it (and let it all out), but I don't think this forum is really the correct place for it. Peace.

 

Silly, i agree that maybe the nuts and bolts can be talked about with a therapist...but its not true that this isn't the place to talk about it..by saying that you are making it more wrong for them to feel what they are feeling. they're fairly anonymous, they're not naming any names its not stuff that no-one can relate to so why not - it might even benefit the community?

 

Hate is a defense, a wrong one but it is.
Asking yourself what is behind your hate, looking at what cause the need to defense, may be a good beginning for the solution path.

 

@Pronto I didn't say it was wrong, Evorax is hurting and I don't know of many professional counsellors visiting this site. And I feel for Evorax's wellbeing, a professional counsellor will be best able to help him take all the time he needs to overcome them (one step at a time).

 

Thanks for your thoughts and advices my friend!

Yes, you're right, i guess i'm able to break this circle as long as i'm able to recognize it. I'll see some professional counselling too because i don't think i'm gonna regret if i do it, it might be helpful. The bad fact is also that i'm stuck sentimentally in the past and everytime i hang out with a girl... the relationship just don't work.. and it's nothing wrong with that particular girl... it's just me that i get attacked by my old memories which happens to come out and push me to reject that particular girl after a few days/weeks of "relationship".... and when i look back in the past... i never behaved like this...
I also think that i have memory loss problems too, but only related to the beautiful moments in the past. I have a feeling that i can remember so much beautiful things from the past but i get stuck in a spontaneous blankness void moment asking myself "to remember about what?" and nothing comes in my mind... It's like my memories are triggered now only by what i see, like rare things... when i see a rare object related to that past moments or a picture... But when i try to remember for myself... i just don't know what happens to me and why do i get stuck in short blank moment when i try to remember somthing by myself and not by the help of seeing things related to that memory...

 

think about the present (and the future), past memories are just that - history.

regards

 

i maintain that you can never stop the thought stream...the thoughts are neither right nor wrong nor yours really..its just like the rising of the sun. but sometimes there's a recognition that thats what appears to be happening.
its perfectly hopeless for the self...i mean that its just as it should be..the self is a construct that reinforces its futile existence through the mind...i mean how do we know we are actually talking to people now, and the "I", how do we know thats real?
richard sylvester or tony parsons might say..all there is, is what is apparently happening..all of this maybe happening , but not to any "one".
maybe if its not working out with girls..what about giving up dating girls..thats another approach?
plus, i always have to get the last word in.

 

Hi Evorax

Just read your sad story, and the first thing that comes to my mind is: Where was your mother in all this - you never mention her at all!

I know pretty well about the father/son relation thing from my own life, and can reconize a few of the things you just told about, but very far from what you´ve experienced in your life! Im pretty sure the way you shoose to deal with the fact your father has been a complete moron towards you when you needed love and understanding, cost you a great deal and I admire that! It means you´ll prolly not do the same to your own kids - learned by experience how wrong it is!

Kids are a gift you must protect and love all your life - and when they grow up and find their own ways you´ll have to accept and respect that!

My dad is now 85 years old, and I have two kids myself so I have both angles represented in my life! A lot of what my dad did to me I would never do to my own kids! In that way the world has becommed a bit nicer place to live and things has changed a bit!

Keep up the spirit and do the right things - and thanks for your input/story

I salute you

 

Every man born as a potential father. Every man has a dream, big or small, and it is to see himself in his babies; to see them live a better life. Is there something more undefined?

 

Past memories do sometimes come back and haunt us, we have to learn to live with them, but not to dwell upon them

 

Thanks alot for your thoughts my friend, means alot for me!

Well... about my mom... She was like my father's subordinate partner and she couldn't pronounce herself in my worst moments even if her child was suffering in the front of her eyes. I must admit that she didn't tried to manipule me and she was like a kind of friend... but i still feel bad for the fact that she didn't had the courage to protect me even if the problem was about her own child taking part of my father's actions. I feel compassion for her, because maybe she was a victim too by chosing him as the man of her life....
I saw so much other people's situations when the mom would do anything for her children's sake, but when it comes about me... i wasn't that lucky. *no*

 

I guess your theory that she (your mother) was a victim herself for your fathers odd and respectless behavior is right on the spot! She was prolly as dominated as you were and prolly didnt have the guts to break with your dad!

Im glad to hear you still have some affection towards your mother, even you´re dissapointed about her passivity when you needed protection from her! Its also extremly importent to keep to the good things in life - even they could have been much better! Its your life this is about, so everything you find positive from your past has value!

Cheers

 

Sometimes the "better life" of somebody's children is the freedom of forming his passion and go further with it, even supporting him on what he loves to do. Also to be free to express himself if something is wrong with him. If as a father you lock his thouths drastically, without giving him a chance to think in a non-harmful psychic manner, then he will become worse than you ever wanted from him. Yes, he can follow rules, but not physically & psychically locked and being scared with the help of violence just to make sure he will follow that rules. I had(still have) a grandson of 4 years old which i spend some free time with him daily, (after i was finishing a track or a something for a client, of course), so spending some time with him like a few hours (3-4 and also in some moments when i had to feed him or make him sleep) and believe me that when his real father came once a month to take him on his house (because my sister had to live with me a while so i was like his secondary father while his mother also had a job and she was home only from 12-1PM till evening.) and every time his father came up to take him, he was crying and yelling that he don't want to leave, clinging his hands around my leg... these was also kinda emotional moments because i also had to find a way to explain him why is it better to leave(which sometimes you have to rely on lies for that kid's sake).
Believe me, he followed my rules with pleasure and welfare,unconditionally and randomly kissing my chicks and asking her mom about me when i wasn't there. Now they no longer live with me but i realised that a kid can really be educated to follow some rules with pleasure and gratitude. I also respected his passions, even if he was a little human being of 3 years old, he loved airplanes so i installed some airplanes games or movies stimulating his joy as a recognition for his good behaving as a child.


Sometimes the parents care about the social opinion about their child, exposing him as a pride trophy making sure he will grow in a way that they can take advantage of being proud of, instead of caring more about that child's opinion/happiness.

 

@Evorax, you really need to go and speak to a professional, there is obviously a lot of hurt and anger within you and this really isn't the place, by the way I also have grandchildren not biologically, I married my wife who already had children (eldest has 4 children by the way, and they all call me weird granddad) from a previous marriage and they experienced some horrific things before I came into their lives, and it had affected all of them, but I am not going to disclose those issues here. Writing your thoughts here is a start but talking to someone is going to be much much better.

take care

 

Thanks alot man! Yea'... at least i trained my courage of thouths externalization, because i'm not that open usually..