Greeting fellow degenerates,

My name is Mr. Zanzibar and I used to hang out in the alley behind Audioz smoking weed and banging pots and pans together to make my Modern Primitiv brand of anti-music.

Nowadays, after being "let go" from the Trump administration, I have alot of time on my hands.

So, I thought I'd offer my skills as a designer to help some musicians here at AusioSex better represent themselves online, in print, social media etc etc...for free

That's right, to test my skills and hone my razor sharp wit I have decided to help people like you, yes you, (the one reading this right now) to have shiny promo pictures covered in glitter to show off how pretty you are in hopes of getting that gig DJ'ing the latest Tropical night at the local discotheque, or how moody and dark you are to land the position as full time downer at the goth crematorium mixer night. Whatever image you want to project to the world, lets make that happen. Cuz we're friends now. (pretend we are holding hands right now) ....Feels nice doesnt it?

Ideas/Project Guidelines:

Ok, so you have the most bangin Swedish House hit just waiting to explode, but no one knows who you are. You need striking self promotion materials like club flyers and HD stylized self promos shots to show you are a professional.

Or you can mix and master like a hamster on meth, but you need clients so you can afford said meth? You need business cards, business flyers, facebook ads?

Or you are a singer whose silky sound waves seduce the souls of all who hear you, but have no social media following? You need a media presence-building step-up like instragram consistent themes for stories and posts? Professional Facebook covers and timelines tailored to your current sitations?

Or you have a finished album but need the perfect images to show how much you love unicorns? AND UNICORNS DONT EXIST!!!!!! But you need a pre-press ready LP/CD cover and promo materials?

You are a local garage band and want to get the word out to become rock star ready?? But you need stuff like T-shirt pre-press images, buttons, posters, flyers?

Solution: Wake me up cuz typing all this has made me sleepy.

*YAWNS*

Now what were we doing? You were trying to sell me some kind of magical beans?... Oh that's right I was offering to do FREE SELF PROMOTION GRAPHIC DESIGN for low income musicians.


Im doing it for free because:
Number 1. - I have fond memories of this place. not so much the smell. but the memories.
Number 2. - I'm INSANE and will sell any car for half off.
Number F. - HA!!! F is not a number! Ha! caught you! I'm telling everyone you think F is a number!!!!!
Plan 9. - I make and sell photoshop actions/templates for just this type of thing online at many graphic sites already so why not share some love? This plan is from outer space.



*****


Applicant Process

-you must have been a member of AudioSex for at least 1 year OR have a post count at AudioSex of more than 100 posts. Dont bitch about this. see Rules section Rule #2

-I will try to take submissions on a first come first serve basis.

-You will need to describe to me what you want to the best of your abilities.

-Let me know what kind of musician you are, what kind of music you make and what kind of vibe you want to project. You can give links to other artwork you have seen online to give me an idea of what you like.

-Supply me with any promotional material you already have like headshots, band photos, logos, etc, or let me know what type of colors you like. Please understand the quality of the final image may be affected if you do not supply an HD source. If you run a small aspiring "studio" then please provide HD photos of your workspace, equipment, team

-All final artwork is 100% customized with your info you provide- you have to let me know what you want, like do you need a club flyer made up for a specific date/time at a specific club/venue/party? So you need to promote your studio location? Do you need a facebook timeline/cover? CD / LP cover? Instagram theme/stories? Avatars/sigs for forums? An all around in general promo pic of yourself that stands out? You dream it, I make it reality.

- Once a submission is accepted, there is no time limit for completion. I might disappear for a month. Deal with it.

..........

Rules/Legal Mumbo jumbo/aka "how i stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb"

Rule #1- I reserve right to refuse service to any member at any time for any reason. This help is meant for poor/starting/basement musicians/producers.

Rule #2- Dont bitch. About any aspect of this. Please make constructive criticism. If I'm not going "fast" enough for you, then piss off. I do this for fun to help people. It may take me a while to do a project, and I may finish another member's project before yours. Dont mess with my artistic process, bro. If I dont like your attitude then you are cut off. Be respectful and you will have no problem.

Rule#3 this artwork is provided as royalty-free and open for commercial use by end user. Cuz Mr. Zanzibar is just that awesome. I wlll however, retain rights to all source material and project files such as layered psd or Ai files which I create in process of making your finished image.

Rule #4 *censored* (while author was writing rule #4 a pack of hungry wolves descended upon him and subsequently our intrepid hero and author was forced to utter many profanities whilst fighting off the vicious pack of feral beasts.)

Rule#5 This offer may end at any time at Mr. Zanzibar's Discretion.

Rule#6 A user can only receive 1 (one) artwork project. If you have already been helped, then it is time for another user to get help.

rule#69 i gain right to your first born to do blood-ritual sacrifice to Cthulu, the freshmaker.*

...........

I offer this service for FREE. No tricks, no catches. If you use my artwork please give me credit when appropriate so my mom will be proud when I point and say "Look! I did that!" I will give the final image to you and you can use however you see fit for your self promotion.


Who knows? maybe no one will even want this. I'll post some examples of what type of promo material I can produce soon, to give an idea of what I'm on about.

I do this for unity of all comrades in glorious fight for freedom of expression and artistic liberty.

.......



Here are some examples of what you can expect from just a simple HD photo submission

 

Last edited: Jan 28, 2018

Nice one moosh

 

Do you do damage control because there might or might not be a couple of dead penguins dressed up as oompa loompas in the trunk of my Buick and I'm not sure how they might or might not have ended up there.

 

Welcome back to the fold, Brother.

 

Your mom will be very proud !

Nice one

Is that Mr Rogers with blu lips ?

 

Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2018

Hehe @Beth . I just hope that themeforest or whoever don't sue! Guess their work counts as stock, nao, prolly cos so derivative.

Anyway, I do hope ya have a good time, find a new job and remember not to do smthn for free, if ur good at it @fritoz . Maybe use right / left align even, cos ima sick of center align in ur work. Save it for CVs, wedding flyers, funeral announcements etcs - so very formal. You should technically have all info of the same kind in proximity, seems all over place. Random @ times. One poster was a complete mess. Text should flow better, just needs much more thought - even lame donkey work is an advert of ur talent. Remember abcs from school - contrast alignment repetition proximity.

 

arty farty lady liberty courtesy of 'giphy' ...unless someone posted it there from themeforest ???

 

That's very nice when i see someone is trying to help others FOR FREE!
God Bless you Mr. Zanzibar
Hope you good luck in your life dear.
Best regards...

 

If you're good at something, never do it for free.

Seriously this pisses me off. I'm a graphic designer since 2002 and these kind of "deals" do a lot of harm to this job, planting the idea that a graphic designer should work for free. When I charge 500 euros for a day of wrok, they don't understand why and go back looking for a "free" worker.

 

Not you, bb! Obvs..

Yeah, exactly. Bad enough ppl want free designs on forums. Let alone advertising, reinforcing! You can spend 20 years learning design, to produce a logotype / idea in 20 mins. Doesn't mean that the time spent should be sub McDonalds pay.

 

my mrs may owe me soooo much cash...

nice offer fritos

 

been a long time....

 

First, you and famous slut both sound like quite the fine human beings. I can tell you care about money more than art. And to be so upset because someone is offering to help fellow musicians? Sad.

I feel sad for you particularly "Famousslut" I can almost feel the desperation emanating from your post. I understand you may not be successful in real life, and take to the internet to make yourself feel better, but being a horrible person on the internet will never fix what is wrong with you inside. I really do feel sorry for you, I hope you are able to overcome whatever it is in your real life that makes you so angry and sad.

Second, take time for one moment and reread my post.

Im doing this for poor/starting/basement musicians/producers. The type of people who would never have used your "services" in the first place.

Good thing is, I care not for your drama.

I create and sell these on sites like Envato, Graphicriver, etc etc Ive been doing it for years now under several different aliases. It pays my rent and utilities, as well as all my food and internet/cable bills each month. It gives me the freedom to make music, travel, and enjoy life.

Again, i forgive you both for being so angry and sad. Here's hoping you both dont die alone, lonely and penniless because you drive away anyone you dont agree with. All hope is not lost! I know you can do it!!

 

I dont know man. Thats a lot of rules and fuss for someone who's basically taking pre-made templates and photoshop scripts from graphicriver.net and calling it "graphic design".

 

XD Rly? Lulz. I offered you well-meant advice about ur work. I realise, in retrospect, that you could've interpreted "donkey work" differently to how it was meant - it was a reference to the drudge work we all have to do, nothing more. I'm not sure why ya value ur talent and time @ $0 pcm, perhaps you might tell us why that is? Perhaps you can tell us, too, why you feel it's a good lesson to teach people (future clients) that something that requires skill & dedication is of no value? Let alone your skill & dedication.

 

Templates are graphic design cancer.

 

I agree, but let's not forget that money is not the only value worth exchanging.


@fritoz Welcome back, haven't seen you for a long while!
BTW, I may actually take up on your very generous offer.